I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Who called it baking and not making love
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
man i love columbo
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
That’s easy for you to say
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason