lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
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[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.