I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
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Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
January is lasting longer than my marriage