Sending in my taxes
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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Baller is short for ballerina
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY