It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I cannot call her anything else now
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds