My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
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Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor