5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.