I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating