For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
good morning