[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together