Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.