I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
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They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one