[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends