I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.