Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
It was worth a shot 😂
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My purse is deeper than some people.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Are these grass-fed oranges?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The pasta is now
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.