[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.