I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?