I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
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Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
this is so top tier i cant
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve