Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My neck, my back, my…
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.