Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
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shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
early stone age tool
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.