it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider