Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.