Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
New comic up. “Ransom”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”