I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see