Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.