A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
We need to put an American base on the sun
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.