Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky