The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.