[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
LMAO
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately