A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
You Might Also Like
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Breaking news:
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*