For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes