My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.