I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun