Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.