“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs