FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.