Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
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If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Spider-cat: No One Home
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.