I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
You Might Also Like
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
(True)
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free