[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards