shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Yup.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN