Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties