I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
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I’d use my best pan on you.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.