I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I think they could have phrased this better
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”