that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
The best shot in the history of golf
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.