My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Ugh
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.