My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“OMGJK” -atheists
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Fidel Castro was alive?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.