OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*limbos under the caution tape
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!