Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.