Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
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*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Woke up against my better judgment again
any last words?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
White Castle for the Win
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
new career option?
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner