Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*